Blood is thicker than water - darn it!

Today was a day that was definitely a "snap" day. After my daughter had her 2nd sleepover in 3 weeks, and VERY little sleep... my tired nerves were at their snapping point. It feels like it's been forever since I've had a break and while I have to admit that only a week ago, I enjoyed a night out with friends, it seems like months since I have felt relaxed, rejuvenated and life myself. What kept me going today was knowing that I had (hopefully) a quiet evening alone after the kids were in bed. I knew I wanted a glass of wine, a good movie and some peace and quiet.

On my mind the last couple of days has been my relationship with my husband. Mostly because a sister-in-law commented on a Facebook comment of mine about the success my salons just had during a peak week of Back to School. She relayed a question by my brother-in-law which was whether my husband would be attending the Annual Convention this fall. It seems like a very harmless question, but it stung me deep to the core. My husband has never attended a Convention with me for several reasons. First, he has nothing to do with the business. Second, I need him here to take care of the kids (not that he has a history of doing that), but in the last couple of years, in order to give my aging mother a break, he has been responsible for the kids from the time he gets home in the late afternoon until bedtime, which is usually 8:00 p.m. He has never really been a part of their lives, let alone responsible for their care, even in my absence; however, as our son (who is Autistic and has Cerebral Palsy) is growing and becoming much stronger) requires more physical care, it is time for him to step up and take care of the kids at least for a few hours a day.  A third reason he doesn't go to Convention is that having him there would entirely change the dynamic of our management team and the bonding we do while we are away on these trips. It would change my demeanor and sharing,which is somewhat key to the bonding of the management team. That in turn, trickles down into our salon teams.  Given all of this (yes, I realize it sounds a bit dramatic), it is best that he not attend these events with us. It just works for our family and the salon teams, as well as for me personally.  It is about the only time during the year that I feel I get a true break and can rejuvenate my spirit. So... why do I feel like I'm being "set up" with this question from my brother-in-law? I don't think it's a feeling of guilt, as I have nothing to feel guilty about. He's never gone in the past, so this year is no different. Or maybe it's a deeper feeling that it's just a simple question and I'm feeling conflicted about the fact that our relationship has fallen apart so much that it is hardly existing at all. I don't think my husband's family is aware of it, although it's quite possible that he has talked to them about it during phone conversations he's had with them.

It use to be that when conversations were had with his family, we would both get on the phone and talk with them. Over the last two years, I've not had one phone conversation with any of them. He now calls them from work, while in his car to and from work, or from home when I am not around to join in the conversation. I confronted him about this about a month ago and he said he didn't think I wanted to speak to them anymore. I made it clear that regardless of what happens between us, I have always and will always love his family. I've been around them for 26 years and I will always have wonderful memories of them and with them and that will never change. I think part of my fear of making a decision is that I do fear losing these wonderful people from my life. I know that a couple of them are very dear to me and our relationship will survive no matter what, but one fault my husband has always pointed out to me is that I care too much about what people think of me. That is very true when it comes to his family. I want them to know the truth of our relationship, but I also realize that he is blood and if they heard the truth, they would be hearing very ugly things about someone they love and things they would never want to believe. I feel in situations like that, it is really the messenger who loses out and I don't want to do that; however, I don't want them to believe the lies or half truths that he would be/will be filling them with.

Wow! This post ended up being a long winded one and I've not and will not go over it for typos because I just needed to get these thoughts and feelings out. I don't want to re-feel them as I would reread this, so I'm leaving it in all it's ugliness.  Now to put this exhausted body to bed, for hopefully an entire night of sleep with no kids waking me until morning. Sweet Dreams!

I have a high schooler!!!!!?????

Today ended on an interesting note. A good note really... I took our son to his High School Open House so he could have the experience of being in the school just 4 days before his school year begins. I also needed to take his supplies to his classroom ahead of time, since they are not the "norm" for a typical high school student. We have pull-up's, wipes, and special snacks, all of which are bulky and heavy. I would prefer that he arrive to school on his first day with a light load and not carrying pull-up's.

Anyway, as I wheeled him up to the school in his whelchair, I watched all the other families and high school students walking around the school. Seeing students who I assumed were also Freshmen, made me think back to my own high school years. I thought about everything that high school offers kids and what it will offer my son. How will his special needs alter those high school experiences? I couldn't help but feel sad for him.

I don't spend much, if any time, feeling sad about Austin's disabilities; however, I will admit that tonight I thought about a few "what if's".  "What if" Austin was a "normal" Freshman boy - what would he be like? He would have at the age where he would be participating in Driver's Education and wanting to spend as much time behind the wheel of a car as possible. Would he be running around with buddies and getting excited about whatever sports or activities he was active in? Would he have his eye on a special girl? How would all of this change the entire dynamics of our family?  All of these thoughts brought tears to my eyes for a brief moment. I know they are selfish thoughts and to feel a sense of loss is also selfish because I really do realize what a gift he is... just the way he is... because he is the way he is.

I have hopes for his High School years. I hope he improves physically, mentally and socially to where he can increase his interaction with peers. I hope he gets to have truly positive, safe and happy experiences with homecomings, proms, and other school events. I know these "what if" moments will come again from time to time and I also know they will quickly fade with positive thoughts of our current situation. I guess the one consistency that I hope & pray for is that my children, regardless of their individual circumstances, get to have those great and positive experiences in life.

I'm sure as the High School years continue, I'll find myself feeling sad more, as the time is drawing closer when I'll have to make a very serious decision about what to do with him once he graduates from High School. As quickly as the last 15 years have gone, the next 4-6 years will go equally fast and I'll find myself having to firmly make that decision, which scares the hell out of me. I pray more than anything, that I find those things that will allow him to progress more than he ever has, so he can become more independent and mainstreamed socially.  I pray for the financial ability to provide him with those things that will do just that, so that we do not stand in the way of him becoming all that he can become.

For now, with tear filled eyes, I need to end these thoughts so I can sleep and rest up for another full day tomorrow.