Blood is thicker than water - darn it!

Today was a day that was definitely a "snap" day. After my daughter had her 2nd sleepover in 3 weeks, and VERY little sleep... my tired nerves were at their snapping point. It feels like it's been forever since I've had a break and while I have to admit that only a week ago, I enjoyed a night out with friends, it seems like months since I have felt relaxed, rejuvenated and life myself. What kept me going today was knowing that I had (hopefully) a quiet evening alone after the kids were in bed. I knew I wanted a glass of wine, a good movie and some peace and quiet.

On my mind the last couple of days has been my relationship with my husband. Mostly because a sister-in-law commented on a Facebook comment of mine about the success my salons just had during a peak week of Back to School. She relayed a question by my brother-in-law which was whether my husband would be attending the Annual Convention this fall. It seems like a very harmless question, but it stung me deep to the core. My husband has never attended a Convention with me for several reasons. First, he has nothing to do with the business. Second, I need him here to take care of the kids (not that he has a history of doing that), but in the last couple of years, in order to give my aging mother a break, he has been responsible for the kids from the time he gets home in the late afternoon until bedtime, which is usually 8:00 p.m. He has never really been a part of their lives, let alone responsible for their care, even in my absence; however, as our son (who is Autistic and has Cerebral Palsy) is growing and becoming much stronger) requires more physical care, it is time for him to step up and take care of the kids at least for a few hours a day.  A third reason he doesn't go to Convention is that having him there would entirely change the dynamic of our management team and the bonding we do while we are away on these trips. It would change my demeanor and sharing,which is somewhat key to the bonding of the management team. That in turn, trickles down into our salon teams.  Given all of this (yes, I realize it sounds a bit dramatic), it is best that he not attend these events with us. It just works for our family and the salon teams, as well as for me personally.  It is about the only time during the year that I feel I get a true break and can rejuvenate my spirit. So... why do I feel like I'm being "set up" with this question from my brother-in-law? I don't think it's a feeling of guilt, as I have nothing to feel guilty about. He's never gone in the past, so this year is no different. Or maybe it's a deeper feeling that it's just a simple question and I'm feeling conflicted about the fact that our relationship has fallen apart so much that it is hardly existing at all. I don't think my husband's family is aware of it, although it's quite possible that he has talked to them about it during phone conversations he's had with them.

It use to be that when conversations were had with his family, we would both get on the phone and talk with them. Over the last two years, I've not had one phone conversation with any of them. He now calls them from work, while in his car to and from work, or from home when I am not around to join in the conversation. I confronted him about this about a month ago and he said he didn't think I wanted to speak to them anymore. I made it clear that regardless of what happens between us, I have always and will always love his family. I've been around them for 26 years and I will always have wonderful memories of them and with them and that will never change. I think part of my fear of making a decision is that I do fear losing these wonderful people from my life. I know that a couple of them are very dear to me and our relationship will survive no matter what, but one fault my husband has always pointed out to me is that I care too much about what people think of me. That is very true when it comes to his family. I want them to know the truth of our relationship, but I also realize that he is blood and if they heard the truth, they would be hearing very ugly things about someone they love and things they would never want to believe. I feel in situations like that, it is really the messenger who loses out and I don't want to do that; however, I don't want them to believe the lies or half truths that he would be/will be filling them with.

Wow! This post ended up being a long winded one and I've not and will not go over it for typos because I just needed to get these thoughts and feelings out. I don't want to re-feel them as I would reread this, so I'm leaving it in all it's ugliness.  Now to put this exhausted body to bed, for hopefully an entire night of sleep with no kids waking me until morning. Sweet Dreams!

I have a high schooler!!!!!?????

Today ended on an interesting note. A good note really... I took our son to his High School Open House so he could have the experience of being in the school just 4 days before his school year begins. I also needed to take his supplies to his classroom ahead of time, since they are not the "norm" for a typical high school student. We have pull-up's, wipes, and special snacks, all of which are bulky and heavy. I would prefer that he arrive to school on his first day with a light load and not carrying pull-up's.

Anyway, as I wheeled him up to the school in his whelchair, I watched all the other families and high school students walking around the school. Seeing students who I assumed were also Freshmen, made me think back to my own high school years. I thought about everything that high school offers kids and what it will offer my son. How will his special needs alter those high school experiences? I couldn't help but feel sad for him.

I don't spend much, if any time, feeling sad about Austin's disabilities; however, I will admit that tonight I thought about a few "what if's".  "What if" Austin was a "normal" Freshman boy - what would he be like? He would have at the age where he would be participating in Driver's Education and wanting to spend as much time behind the wheel of a car as possible. Would he be running around with buddies and getting excited about whatever sports or activities he was active in? Would he have his eye on a special girl? How would all of this change the entire dynamics of our family?  All of these thoughts brought tears to my eyes for a brief moment. I know they are selfish thoughts and to feel a sense of loss is also selfish because I really do realize what a gift he is... just the way he is... because he is the way he is.

I have hopes for his High School years. I hope he improves physically, mentally and socially to where he can increase his interaction with peers. I hope he gets to have truly positive, safe and happy experiences with homecomings, proms, and other school events. I know these "what if" moments will come again from time to time and I also know they will quickly fade with positive thoughts of our current situation. I guess the one consistency that I hope & pray for is that my children, regardless of their individual circumstances, get to have those great and positive experiences in life.

I'm sure as the High School years continue, I'll find myself feeling sad more, as the time is drawing closer when I'll have to make a very serious decision about what to do with him once he graduates from High School. As quickly as the last 15 years have gone, the next 4-6 years will go equally fast and I'll find myself having to firmly make that decision, which scares the hell out of me. I pray more than anything, that I find those things that will allow him to progress more than he ever has, so he can become more independent and mainstreamed socially.  I pray for the financial ability to provide him with those things that will do just that, so that we do not stand in the way of him becoming all that he can become.

For now, with tear filled eyes, I need to end these thoughts so I can sleep and rest up for another full day tomorrow.

Liquid courage vs. sober fear

I had a friend ask me recently if an honest conversation was aided by "liquid courage" (it was not), but that phrase really stuck with me as I realized the absolute truth in it. I can reflect on my more courageous moments when I felt like I could/would/should make a tough decision. Those times were definitely boosted by liquid courage. That liquid courage along with the thought of making that decision gave me such a sense of relief and peace of mind....then I slept. Upon awaking, all the "fears" come back to mind about why I should just hold steady where I am and avoid making the tough decision. Time passes and I get frustrated with myself for not doing a damn thing.... What is the saying? "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting things to change", or something like that. It truly describes my life and I can't believe that I'm not stronger than I am displaying. I hide behind fear and have for so many years. More years than not actually, so that just makes it even more maddening.

I could ask 100 people about my situation and I believe the majority would support what I feel in my heart and mind, yet I know they would all say that it has to be my decision and I know that it truly does; which puts me back to the same exact position I am in today. I have prayed over this, not for a decision to be made for me, but guidance through the process, for the clarity to make an informed decision, not just an emotional one. I pray for God's Will to be done and yes, I suppose, I have asked for a clear sign. If I would take anyone's advice to heart, it would be HIS. HE has been my rock through all of these years HE is the one I turned to for strength and HE's gotten me this far. I just need to remember to turn to HIM completely for this next chapter.

A little wine & honest convo = relief

Tonight's dinner was one of our favorites, Thai lettuce wraps with wine. Kids ate quickly and ran back outside as we finished up. A bit uncomfortable, but with a movie on the TV, a little distraction provided just enough distraction to allow us to converse a little. Normally, I would never feel good about conversations that take place under the influence of alcohol, but it seems the only way we can actually have conversations with each other about touchy and emotional topics without losing control and erupting into anger and unproductive conversation.

With the kids outside, we felt it was a "safe" time to have conversations about his lack of effective parenting and making sure the kids have a healthy environment to grow up in, regardless of how we feel about each other. That our priority is the health and well-being of the kids.

Later, after he has gone outside and I have cleaned up the kitchen, I go outside to get the kids to come in and get ready for bed; I learn from our daughter that she had overheard portions of our conversation. She had somehow managed to come into the back hallway without our knowing and listened to our conversation about her requests to both of us to "break up" and how he needs to do a better job of connecting emotionally with our special needs son, who will be 15 in a month and a half. My heart fell into my stomach. How in the world could she have slipped inside without us knowing?! I was facing the back hallway and never saw the door open, or hear any sounds from the back hallway!

At this point, I can't back pedal and pretend like she heard something other than she truly heard. She's a smart and intuitive 8 year old. I have to respect her and yet try not to push her into handling adult situations. I ask what she heard and allow her to speak very freely without fear of my reaction. I need to find out what portions of the conversation she heard so I can put to rest any fears she may have about whatever she heard. She heard us talking about her requests for us to "break up". She heard about his need to connect emotionally and fully open his heart to his son, in order to recieve God's full grace that has been given to us through this amazing gift. The most important part for me to deal with is the portion about us breaking up.

As I gently inquire about her feeling about us splitting and about us talking about it, she reiterates that she wants us to break up because she wants to live away from her Dad. She said she would be happier without him than she is with him. That is a hard one for me to respond to. I don't feel I should jump in and tell her how she should not feel that way. Her feelings are true to her for a reason. Based on her history and our family dynamics. I cannot and will not tell her those things are wrong. They are what they are. I just need to try and help her work through those things so that she can come out the other side healthy, happy and well balanced. I believe I will have her go see the child psychologist that she has seen a couple of times before, but this time, we will focus on our family dynamics, her feeling about our splitting and her feelings toward her dad. Whether she likes or dislikes her father isn't as important to me, as whether those feelings are based on her on experiences, and that they don't overshadow her life. He created a painful and isolated family dynamic and while that can and does create much dysfunction for a person and a family as a whole, it can also create strength, resourcefulness and other amazing qualities that don't come from a life of luxury and ease.

The days and nights lately have been difficult as I've struggles with what to do and when. Conflicted by so many teachings in my life and trying to balance them with what my heart and mind seem to drive me toward. Trying to balance that with what is best for the kids and God's will. It's more stressful that I ever imagined. It's not something I have ever or will ever take lightly, but something I must process and work through for all of our health and peace of mind and soul. The weight of that is great and I ask the Lord for guidance and strength to make the right decision. The alternative to ending the marriage is no more peaceful, as it would be a pain of other sorts. Probably one easier to work through as far as the kids are concerned. One easier accepted by society and everyone  and one more accepted by God. The difficulty comes in timing. God's timing vs our own. Sometimes more unbearable than a person can truly take.

As the family filters in before bedtime, it's time to end this emptying of thoughts and emotions. I only wish an answer would come to me quickly. One that gives me great peace on all levels and leads us to peace of mind, harmony in our home and energy to move forward, rather than spinning our wheels.

God's grace to all of you and may your lives be filled with peace of mind and soul. May we cherish every single blessing that is bestowed on us and may we all be good stewards of God's grace.

Until next time, peace to you!

Elastimom

Turning Point...

The last couple of years, I've had my up's and down's with our household dynamics. It's been an increasingly stressful situation, but has escalated to the point of little to no communication and certainly absolutely no communication about our "household finances".  As a woman in her mid-life years, I find myself feeling no more secure than I did when I was 18 years old. I am reminded nearly every day how little (actually no) control I have over my finances. I deposit my entire paycheck into the household checking account and from that point on, I have no say in where it goes.

I don't mean to sound like I'm on a piti-pot. I'm just frustrated that over the course of many years, I have yet to reach that point where I feel secure financially and that I have a say in the finances that directly affect myself or the kids.

What I feel mostly at this very moment, is that things must change. I've allowed myself to be paralyzed from fear of making changes, fear of making difficult decisions, and fear of failure. I'm tired of being so fearful that I remain in a situation that is so unhealthy.

So...I must begin to gather information, in order to make educated/informed decisions and steps. I can't go through another day doing nothing and allowing myself to be run over and made to feel irrelevant. I need to plan for my future and my kids' future by budgeting and educating myself on my options while trying to plan for the unknowns.

Elastimom

Thanks for the shoulder/ear. One day, I won't have to pour out the "sad song" type of message - I look forward to that day oh so much!

Calgon take me away... I mean it... please take me away!

Today has been a low day for me... well, actually, this has been a low week. While looking at a bank statement that came in the mail, I noticed that extra money is being taken out of my husband's check and put into a savings account. I also noticed that the account that use to receive these funds is no longer receiving it, but rather, all the money is now going into a new account at a different bank. Funny thing is... there has been no conversation about this change. That's probably the thing that bothers me most. Over the last year or so, many changes have been made to "save us money"; however these changes have not been communicated to me. Well, some have but others have not. The first change he made was to discontinue our household security system - I was not and am still not a fan of this change. It was costing us $30/month. I voiced my lack of support for this change, but it didn't matter. The service was discontinued.

Today, I received a call from our accountant tell me that while my husband was at their office this afternoon, they forgot to send a document with him. I wasn't aware that he was having a meeting with them today. I knew that he stopped by a few days ago and picked up our taxes, but I didn't know about a separate or follow-up meeting. This put the accountant, as well as me, in awkward positions. It looked weird that I didn't know about the meeting and the accountant felt like he stepped into the middle of "something" between my husband and I, which is apparently the case.

All of this has me really wondering a lot of "what if's". I'm feeling like I did about 25 year ago when I was young and wasn't making a lot of money. He seemed to have all the money coming in that he needed and could do pretty much anything he wanted. I felt like I didn't have the money to do what I needed, let alone what I wanted. You would think after 25 years, I would be in a better position financially, to where I felt like I could support myself should the need arise, but I realized today, that I am not in the position. Or if I am, I don't see how. I still feel like I have to ask for money to spend, or get permission if I want to buy something for the house or myself.

Yes, I have a business that is very successful, but my challenge has been to increase the profits of that successful business by reducing expenses and getting the salons to run efficiently. Even then, the taxes on any profits seem to absorb the profits. I don't feel like I have the money in the business to not stress out all month, every single month.  That is certainly my goal and my focus.

So, I guess the question to myself is how can I increase the money I have coming in and put it away so I feel like I have money of my own - for my own protection? I'm at an age where I shouldn't have to feel like I'm living with my dad, asking for every penny I am allowed to spend. I feel like I have absolutely no control or say in where our money is, where it comes from, what is done with it, how it is spent, what goes into savings, and what should go to finishing our home and yard.

So many questions, so few... or no answers. Guess it'll be a night spent in prayer. Beside my husband, God is the only one in control of this train.

Calm, cool and collected...weird!

I'm feeling pretty good about getting ready for my daughter's  First Communion this coming weekend. Just got her presents today, beautiful rhinestone cross earrings for her to wear that day, a blue (her favorite color) glass rosary that is just gorgeous and ....an acoustic guitar. LOL. Yes, I realize that fits nowhere in this situation, but it's something she absolutely wants and I'm completely supportive of her learning to play any sort of music. Hopefully it'll be a lifelong gift  - learning to play guitar.

Anyway, gifts are bought. Now I just have a few things to do around the house and plan the menu. Company begins to arrive on Thursday.  Can't wait to see my little girl in her white dress, receiving her first Communion. Hard to believe she's old enough, but here we are. I love it!

Maybe my stress will rise closer to the weekend, but today, I'm calm about it all.  The stretch or snap doesn't seem to be part of my day, which is a bit odd. Pleasant, but odd. I'll ride this wave until the tide changes. Finally have my bed to myself tonight, after company has all left, so I'm calling it a day.