Tonight's dinner was one of our favorites, Thai lettuce wraps with wine. Kids ate quickly and ran back outside as we finished up. A bit uncomfortable, but with a movie on the TV, a little distraction provided just enough distraction to allow us to converse a little. Normally, I would never feel good about conversations that take place under the influence of alcohol, but it seems the only way we can actually have conversations with each other about touchy and emotional topics without losing control and erupting into anger and unproductive conversation.
With the kids outside, we felt it was a "safe" time to have conversations about his lack of effective parenting and making sure the kids have a healthy environment to grow up in, regardless of how we feel about each other. That our priority is the health and well-being of the kids.
Later, after he has gone outside and I have cleaned up the kitchen, I go outside to get the kids to come in and get ready for bed; I learn from our daughter that she had overheard portions of our conversation. She had somehow managed to come into the back hallway without our knowing and listened to our conversation about her requests to both of us to "break up" and how he needs to do a better job of connecting emotionally with our special needs son, who will be 15 in a month and a half. My heart fell into my stomach. How in the world could she have slipped inside without us knowing?! I was facing the back hallway and never saw the door open, or hear any sounds from the back hallway!
At this point, I can't back pedal and pretend like she heard something other than she truly heard. She's a smart and intuitive 8 year old. I have to respect her and yet try not to push her into handling adult situations. I ask what she heard and allow her to speak very freely without fear of my reaction. I need to find out what portions of the conversation she heard so I can put to rest any fears she may have about whatever she heard. She heard us talking about her requests for us to "break up". She heard about his need to connect emotionally and fully open his heart to his son, in order to recieve God's full grace that has been given to us through this amazing gift. The most important part for me to deal with is the portion about us breaking up.
As I gently inquire about her feeling about us splitting and about us talking about it, she reiterates that she wants us to break up because she wants to live away from her Dad. She said she would be happier without him than she is with him. That is a hard one for me to respond to. I don't feel I should jump in and tell her how she should not feel that way. Her feelings are true to her for a reason. Based on her history and our family dynamics. I cannot and will not tell her those things are wrong. They are what they are. I just need to try and help her work through those things so that she can come out the other side healthy, happy and well balanced. I believe I will have her go see the child psychologist that she has seen a couple of times before, but this time, we will focus on our family dynamics, her feeling about our splitting and her feelings toward her dad. Whether she likes or dislikes her father isn't as important to me, as whether those feelings are based on her on experiences, and that they don't overshadow her life. He created a painful and isolated family dynamic and while that can and does create much dysfunction for a person and a family as a whole, it can also create strength, resourcefulness and other amazing qualities that don't come from a life of luxury and ease.
The days and nights lately have been difficult as I've struggles with what to do and when. Conflicted by so many teachings in my life and trying to balance them with what my heart and mind seem to drive me toward. Trying to balance that with what is best for the kids and God's will. It's more stressful that I ever imagined. It's not something I have ever or will ever take lightly, but something I must process and work through for all of our health and peace of mind and soul. The weight of that is great and I ask the Lord for guidance and strength to make the right decision. The alternative to ending the marriage is no more peaceful, as it would be a pain of other sorts. Probably one easier to work through as far as the kids are concerned. One easier accepted by society and everyone and one more accepted by God. The difficulty comes in timing. God's timing vs our own. Sometimes more unbearable than a person can truly take.
As the family filters in before bedtime, it's time to end this emptying of thoughts and emotions. I only wish an answer would come to me quickly. One that gives me great peace on all levels and leads us to peace of mind, harmony in our home and energy to move forward, rather than spinning our wheels.
God's grace to all of you and may your lives be filled with peace of mind and soul. May we cherish every single blessing that is bestowed on us and may we all be good stewards of God's grace.
Until next time, peace to you!
Elastimom
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