Today ended on an interesting note. A good note really... I took our son to his High School Open House so he could have the experience of being in the school just 4 days before his school year begins. I also needed to take his supplies to his classroom ahead of time, since they are not the "norm" for a typical high school student. We have pull-up's, wipes, and special snacks, all of which are bulky and heavy. I would prefer that he arrive to school on his first day with a light load and not carrying pull-up's.
Anyway, as I wheeled him up to the school in his whelchair, I watched all the other families and high school students walking around the school. Seeing students who I assumed were also Freshmen, made me think back to my own high school years. I thought about everything that high school offers kids and what it will offer my son. How will his special needs alter those high school experiences? I couldn't help but feel sad for him.
I don't spend much, if any time, feeling sad about Austin's disabilities; however, I will admit that tonight I thought about a few "what if's". "What if" Austin was a "normal" Freshman boy - what would he be like? He would have at the age where he would be participating in Driver's Education and wanting to spend as much time behind the wheel of a car as possible. Would he be running around with buddies and getting excited about whatever sports or activities he was active in? Would he have his eye on a special girl? How would all of this change the entire dynamics of our family? All of these thoughts brought tears to my eyes for a brief moment. I know they are selfish thoughts and to feel a sense of loss is also selfish because I really do realize what a gift he is... just the way he is... because he is the way he is.
I have hopes for his High School years. I hope he improves physically, mentally and socially to where he can increase his interaction with peers. I hope he gets to have truly positive, safe and happy experiences with homecomings, proms, and other school events. I know these "what if" moments will come again from time to time and I also know they will quickly fade with positive thoughts of our current situation. I guess the one consistency that I hope & pray for is that my children, regardless of their individual circumstances, get to have those great and positive experiences in life.
I'm sure as the High School years continue, I'll find myself feeling sad more, as the time is drawing closer when I'll have to make a very serious decision about what to do with him once he graduates from High School. As quickly as the last 15 years have gone, the next 4-6 years will go equally fast and I'll find myself having to firmly make that decision, which scares the hell out of me. I pray more than anything, that I find those things that will allow him to progress more than he ever has, so he can become more independent and mainstreamed socially. I pray for the financial ability to provide him with those things that will do just that, so that we do not stand in the way of him becoming all that he can become.
For now, with tear filled eyes, I need to end these thoughts so I can sleep and rest up for another full day tomorrow.
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