It seems I've heard so much these days about making decisions (whether intentional or by omission of taking action) out of fear is a terrible thing to do and we must take control and make a decision and move on with life. Way easier said than done, I feel. It truly sounds so easy and when I think about that, I do feel a great sense of peace; however, as I analyze my situation and try to make a sound decision based on fact, things get muttled. Then I hear radio programs that discuss these issues in my life and they really weigh heavily in the opposite direction that my heart and mind both tell me to go. That just adds to the confusion because I truly don't want to make a bad decision - one that will set me back in life. I'm "too old" to be going backwards, but I also need to live a "healthier" life. Yes, I realize I've not actually put into words the issue I'm struggling with. It's one of the hardest things for me to put words too, especially in writing.
Our household situation has been and continues to be a very unhealthy situation. There is no harmony between my husband and I. When I think back, there really has never been. I was just too stupid/scared to take action years ago when I first wanted to. I tried so hard and tried to engage him in our relationship and had him turn his back on me (and the kids) from day one. I continued to try and just lived one day at a time until I became an empty shell. So much damage has been done - mentally and emotionally that sometimes I feel like such an unworthy person. It wasn't until I began to have success with my business that I started to feel some sort of validation. I began to feell like maybe I did have something to give and I wasn't a total POS. I'm not pouting about this or being over dramatic. It's just fact. That is how I spent the past 25 years. I allowed that by being fearful of what my life would be like if I left. I didn't have a job that paid wonderfully. It was a good professional job, but I didn't feel like it would support me that well... so I stayed, not knowing what else to do.
Every time we have an argument, which typically involves him incinuating (sp) that I'm less intelligent, or less capable of handling things properly, I have an overwhelming desire to run. Just pack my bags and the kids' bags and leave and never turn back.
It would be so much easier - just given the water that has passed under this bridge, if it wasn't for one thing (and maybe it's my new "scapegoat" that I cling to in order to justify taking no action)... he has brain cancer. He's been battling it now for 4.5 years. He's had it twice in that timeframe, with the second time being 2009 when it was upgraded to a Grade III. The guilt, the public speculation and judgment that I believe would follow, is what gives me pause. Not to mention the ugly truth... if I wait it out, then I will save us all the torment of the big D, the financial stress and the public humiliation. It's not very nice to think about, but it's the facts that we have to work with. Time is suppose to help all things work out, but sometimes being patient is more than I can bear. I try to just sit back and let God handle things in His own way and in His own time. I know and believe that He knows best. I just wish it didn't take another 25 years. I can't even bear this to continue for another year.
I apologize for my complaining or whining. These are just my current thoughts that I needed to purge from my mind. I wish the answer was crystal clear. I wish that I didn't have fear of leaving. I dream about a harmonious home without being under a critical eye all the time. If you happen to have great input on this subject, I'm all ears. I always welcome other people's experiences in this subject, as well as their thoughts about my situation. I realize I never mentioned it yet, but we've been to so many counselors in our 25 years and they all have been very supportive of me and my position.That gives me hope and some validation, but I know the fear is driven by the fear of financial hardship. I'll stop for tonight. Time to get the kiddos in bed and put this day behind us all. Good night
Do you ever think back to the times when we were nearly dirt poor? The house wasn't what we wanted, the clothes weren't either; I seem to remember TONS of hand-me-downs. Somehow we survived those times; one might even say we did more than just survive. We found creative ways of doing things and we began to enjoy the things we had.
ReplyDeleteHow can we recapture those ideals while maintaining a certain level of quality? I don't want to eat Ramen noodles and PB&Js all the time just to get by but I don't need to have lobster bisque for dinner every week either. Thankfully I'm in neither of those camps but you know what I mean.
I've considered the possibilities of downsizing, reducing expenses and maybe being a stay-at-home-mom. I increasingly find myself regretting the amount of time I spend away from my son. Every decision we make has a consequence. I don't want to live in a tar-paper shack for the benefit of staying home and yet I feel some pretty important things have been sacrificed for the sake of "keeping up with the Jones's" ... even though we don't intentionally strive for that. I simply think we get so caught up in maintaining the right "everything" that we loose what's really important along the way.
Maybe we lose friends along the way because we're no longer worthy of their time/effort or we're now beneath their quality of life. If that's the case, they really weren't good friends anyway. C'est la vie. Sometimes we just have to make decisions for ourselves and let the rest of the world decide for themselves if they want to come along for the ride.
You ARE worth it. You CAN do it. A small person holds their neighbor down. A big person holds their neighbor UP.
I have such a great support system and so many people say, "You would be just fine if you left." That gives me comfort, but I also know that they don't know all of the in's and out's of our finances with the business, etc. As my 3rd salon is growing at a much slower rate than I expected or hoped, and finances are very tight, I worry that if I were "on my own", there would be no cushion anywhere for me to fall back on. Right now, there is, although it comes at a price so to speak.
ReplyDeleteI've done a little research on homes that are for sale and it appears that the mortgage payments on a smaller house would be about the same as on our current house and we have so much more for the $$, not to mention if the need ever arises to sell, it should be a pretty sizable amount which should be helpful for whatever the need was. Conversation has taken place about selling the current home and then purchasing something smaller with less yard, etc. Bringing up the point that if this place is going to be sold, other changes will take place because living arrangements will be different.
I have had so much admiration for some dear friends who have been so strong and made tough decisions in their lives. Not that I have ever "supported" or "condoned" throwing away a marriage, but under their circumstances, it was more than justified and they made that hard decision and are so much happier and have peace in their lives. They are doing very well financially and living on their own in beautiful homes. It leaves me scratching my head and wondering...would I be able to live like they are, or will I have to take an enormous drop in lifestyle just to afford the peace of mind?