I try to teach my kids that their feelings are not right or wrong. They feel what they feel for a reason. Yet, I also know that they are children and don't have the maturity to properly handle their emotions when upset, hurt or angry. So when one of my children has a falling out with their dad, comes into the house crying and very upset... I usually just listen. I don't try to correct or give information, I just listen and allow the emotions to run through. I decide a bath is necessary to help calm her down and allow her time away from her dad so the situation would not escalage to an even higher level (which tends to happen, because he pushes matters until the whole family is distraught).
During that bath, she calmed down, but spoke very freely about her feelings toward her dad. This is not the first time she has expressed feelings of not wanting him around. She said she would rather have no dad than to have him as her dad. She continually asked me to "please break up with him!", "promise me you will break up with him!" So many times she has made comments about wanting a different dad, about me having a different husband and us being happy.
It's painful to hear her make these comments becuase it gives me flashbacks to when I was in first grade, I had the same thoughts about my own father. He was abusive, both physically and emotionally/mentally. I would shutter when he would walk behind be (out of my sight) because if he was mad, you didn't know if you might be knocked up side the head. It was at that very moment when I had my first thought that I wished my parents would get a divorce so my mom and us kids could live together and finally be free of him and be happy.
That time never came for me, for us. The pain continued in a household that was overshadowed in fear and emotional abuse. One thing in knew in life, as I grew up was that I definitely did not want to/ would not married someone like my dad. Well, it's been obvious for years, that I in fact did. Ther's been no physical abuse, but plenty of emotional/mental abuse. I've wanted to leave this situation for many years, but always stayed out of fear. Fear of not being secure financially, fear of my children not being taken care of properly when they had visitation with their father (because he has never had their needs as a priority), and in the last 4 years, fear of public criticism for leaving a man who has brain cancer.
So...during that wonderfully calm and bath tonight, all of these thoughts raced through my mind, while listening to my daughter pour out her heartfelt desires for a happy family without her father. How do you respond to those comments? I could only say, "I understand." I explained without going into details that, "It's not that easy". All she cared about was being able to stay at her school. At first, she wanted to remain in our current home, but then she realized another home might just be okay. It was so heartbreaking because I completely understood how she felt. I grew up feeling that same exact way. I always wanted more for my children. I never wanted them to grow up having that kind of a relationship with their father and I certainly never wanted them to grow up wanting to be apart from a parent.
My heart is heavy. Heavy for my daughter. Not wanting my fear of leaving to create a further unhealthy upbringing for my children. All I've ever wanted is for my children to have a truly happy, healthy homelife. I don't know what to pray for, but I will be praying long and hard tonight. Lord, may your will be done!
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