Turning Point...

The last couple of years, I've had my up's and down's with our household dynamics. It's been an increasingly stressful situation, but has escalated to the point of little to no communication and certainly absolutely no communication about our "household finances".  As a woman in her mid-life years, I find myself feeling no more secure than I did when I was 18 years old. I am reminded nearly every day how little (actually no) control I have over my finances. I deposit my entire paycheck into the household checking account and from that point on, I have no say in where it goes.

I don't mean to sound like I'm on a piti-pot. I'm just frustrated that over the course of many years, I have yet to reach that point where I feel secure financially and that I have a say in the finances that directly affect myself or the kids.

What I feel mostly at this very moment, is that things must change. I've allowed myself to be paralyzed from fear of making changes, fear of making difficult decisions, and fear of failure. I'm tired of being so fearful that I remain in a situation that is so unhealthy.

So...I must begin to gather information, in order to make educated/informed decisions and steps. I can't go through another day doing nothing and allowing myself to be run over and made to feel irrelevant. I need to plan for my future and my kids' future by budgeting and educating myself on my options while trying to plan for the unknowns.

Elastimom

Thanks for the shoulder/ear. One day, I won't have to pour out the "sad song" type of message - I look forward to that day oh so much!

Calgon take me away... I mean it... please take me away!

Today has been a low day for me... well, actually, this has been a low week. While looking at a bank statement that came in the mail, I noticed that extra money is being taken out of my husband's check and put into a savings account. I also noticed that the account that use to receive these funds is no longer receiving it, but rather, all the money is now going into a new account at a different bank. Funny thing is... there has been no conversation about this change. That's probably the thing that bothers me most. Over the last year or so, many changes have been made to "save us money"; however these changes have not been communicated to me. Well, some have but others have not. The first change he made was to discontinue our household security system - I was not and am still not a fan of this change. It was costing us $30/month. I voiced my lack of support for this change, but it didn't matter. The service was discontinued.

Today, I received a call from our accountant tell me that while my husband was at their office this afternoon, they forgot to send a document with him. I wasn't aware that he was having a meeting with them today. I knew that he stopped by a few days ago and picked up our taxes, but I didn't know about a separate or follow-up meeting. This put the accountant, as well as me, in awkward positions. It looked weird that I didn't know about the meeting and the accountant felt like he stepped into the middle of "something" between my husband and I, which is apparently the case.

All of this has me really wondering a lot of "what if's". I'm feeling like I did about 25 year ago when I was young and wasn't making a lot of money. He seemed to have all the money coming in that he needed and could do pretty much anything he wanted. I felt like I didn't have the money to do what I needed, let alone what I wanted. You would think after 25 years, I would be in a better position financially, to where I felt like I could support myself should the need arise, but I realized today, that I am not in the position. Or if I am, I don't see how. I still feel like I have to ask for money to spend, or get permission if I want to buy something for the house or myself.

Yes, I have a business that is very successful, but my challenge has been to increase the profits of that successful business by reducing expenses and getting the salons to run efficiently. Even then, the taxes on any profits seem to absorb the profits. I don't feel like I have the money in the business to not stress out all month, every single month.  That is certainly my goal and my focus.

So, I guess the question to myself is how can I increase the money I have coming in and put it away so I feel like I have money of my own - for my own protection? I'm at an age where I shouldn't have to feel like I'm living with my dad, asking for every penny I am allowed to spend. I feel like I have absolutely no control or say in where our money is, where it comes from, what is done with it, how it is spent, what goes into savings, and what should go to finishing our home and yard.

So many questions, so few... or no answers. Guess it'll be a night spent in prayer. Beside my husband, God is the only one in control of this train.

Calm, cool and collected...weird!

I'm feeling pretty good about getting ready for my daughter's  First Communion this coming weekend. Just got her presents today, beautiful rhinestone cross earrings for her to wear that day, a blue (her favorite color) glass rosary that is just gorgeous and ....an acoustic guitar. LOL. Yes, I realize that fits nowhere in this situation, but it's something she absolutely wants and I'm completely supportive of her learning to play any sort of music. Hopefully it'll be a lifelong gift  - learning to play guitar.

Anyway, gifts are bought. Now I just have a few things to do around the house and plan the menu. Company begins to arrive on Thursday.  Can't wait to see my little girl in her white dress, receiving her first Communion. Hard to believe she's old enough, but here we are. I love it!

Maybe my stress will rise closer to the weekend, but today, I'm calm about it all.  The stretch or snap doesn't seem to be part of my day, which is a bit odd. Pleasant, but odd. I'll ride this wave until the tide changes. Finally have my bed to myself tonight, after company has all left, so I'm calling it a day.

Why does it take me getting mad, for me to get off my a**?

I was out with friends this weekend and accidently bumped into a girl who was seated behind where I was standing. It was a small bump - I didn't realize she was there. I immediately turned to her and apologized for bumping into her. Before I could get my apology out and before she turned around to see me, she said, "OMG you have a huge a**!". My jaw immediately dropped.. stunned at her rudeness! I apologized again and then she said, "Oh, your actually okay." - Trying to take back her initial statement with a couple of retraction comments. From my point of view - the damage had been done. Still can't get that comment out of my head. Maybe it wouldn't have hit me so hard if I hadn't already been regretting and feeling the stress of not having worked out consistently in about a year. I have always loved working out and being fit, but life has happened and with the pressure of all the time obligations I've had, the exercise was cut out of my schedule. Anyway, I had been wanting to get back on the treadmill to get myself active again and tone up the bod, but the motivation was difficult to find. Well....I guess I got that through a very painful comment, whether she meant it or not. After the kiddos got on their buses and I finished payroll and a couple other priority projects, I jumped on the treadmill and started running. It felt great! So now I have my motivation and I got started! I hope to never hear those words again in my life!  So... in the spirit of a post I put on my facebook page... A successful woman is one who can build a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at her.  I also added, "A strong woman will thank them for the bricks".... I am thankful for the rude girl and her hurtful comment, as it was the motivation I needed to get my "huge a**" active again. I just had to get mad enough to put my physical health back to priority level.