Calgon take me away... I mean it... please take me away!

Today has been a low day for me... well, actually, this has been a low week. While looking at a bank statement that came in the mail, I noticed that extra money is being taken out of my husband's check and put into a savings account. I also noticed that the account that use to receive these funds is no longer receiving it, but rather, all the money is now going into a new account at a different bank. Funny thing is... there has been no conversation about this change. That's probably the thing that bothers me most. Over the last year or so, many changes have been made to "save us money"; however these changes have not been communicated to me. Well, some have but others have not. The first change he made was to discontinue our household security system - I was not and am still not a fan of this change. It was costing us $30/month. I voiced my lack of support for this change, but it didn't matter. The service was discontinued.

Today, I received a call from our accountant tell me that while my husband was at their office this afternoon, they forgot to send a document with him. I wasn't aware that he was having a meeting with them today. I knew that he stopped by a few days ago and picked up our taxes, but I didn't know about a separate or follow-up meeting. This put the accountant, as well as me, in awkward positions. It looked weird that I didn't know about the meeting and the accountant felt like he stepped into the middle of "something" between my husband and I, which is apparently the case.

All of this has me really wondering a lot of "what if's". I'm feeling like I did about 25 year ago when I was young and wasn't making a lot of money. He seemed to have all the money coming in that he needed and could do pretty much anything he wanted. I felt like I didn't have the money to do what I needed, let alone what I wanted. You would think after 25 years, I would be in a better position financially, to where I felt like I could support myself should the need arise, but I realized today, that I am not in the position. Or if I am, I don't see how. I still feel like I have to ask for money to spend, or get permission if I want to buy something for the house or myself.

Yes, I have a business that is very successful, but my challenge has been to increase the profits of that successful business by reducing expenses and getting the salons to run efficiently. Even then, the taxes on any profits seem to absorb the profits. I don't feel like I have the money in the business to not stress out all month, every single month.  That is certainly my goal and my focus.

So, I guess the question to myself is how can I increase the money I have coming in and put it away so I feel like I have money of my own - for my own protection? I'm at an age where I shouldn't have to feel like I'm living with my dad, asking for every penny I am allowed to spend. I feel like I have absolutely no control or say in where our money is, where it comes from, what is done with it, how it is spent, what goes into savings, and what should go to finishing our home and yard.

So many questions, so few... or no answers. Guess it'll be a night spent in prayer. Beside my husband, God is the only one in control of this train.

Calm, cool and collected...weird!

I'm feeling pretty good about getting ready for my daughter's  First Communion this coming weekend. Just got her presents today, beautiful rhinestone cross earrings for her to wear that day, a blue (her favorite color) glass rosary that is just gorgeous and ....an acoustic guitar. LOL. Yes, I realize that fits nowhere in this situation, but it's something she absolutely wants and I'm completely supportive of her learning to play any sort of music. Hopefully it'll be a lifelong gift  - learning to play guitar.

Anyway, gifts are bought. Now I just have a few things to do around the house and plan the menu. Company begins to arrive on Thursday.  Can't wait to see my little girl in her white dress, receiving her first Communion. Hard to believe she's old enough, but here we are. I love it!

Maybe my stress will rise closer to the weekend, but today, I'm calm about it all.  The stretch or snap doesn't seem to be part of my day, which is a bit odd. Pleasant, but odd. I'll ride this wave until the tide changes. Finally have my bed to myself tonight, after company has all left, so I'm calling it a day.

Why does it take me getting mad, for me to get off my a**?

I was out with friends this weekend and accidently bumped into a girl who was seated behind where I was standing. It was a small bump - I didn't realize she was there. I immediately turned to her and apologized for bumping into her. Before I could get my apology out and before she turned around to see me, she said, "OMG you have a huge a**!". My jaw immediately dropped.. stunned at her rudeness! I apologized again and then she said, "Oh, your actually okay." - Trying to take back her initial statement with a couple of retraction comments. From my point of view - the damage had been done. Still can't get that comment out of my head. Maybe it wouldn't have hit me so hard if I hadn't already been regretting and feeling the stress of not having worked out consistently in about a year. I have always loved working out and being fit, but life has happened and with the pressure of all the time obligations I've had, the exercise was cut out of my schedule. Anyway, I had been wanting to get back on the treadmill to get myself active again and tone up the bod, but the motivation was difficult to find. Well....I guess I got that through a very painful comment, whether she meant it or not. After the kiddos got on their buses and I finished payroll and a couple other priority projects, I jumped on the treadmill and started running. It felt great! So now I have my motivation and I got started! I hope to never hear those words again in my life!  So... in the spirit of a post I put on my facebook page... A successful woman is one who can build a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at her.  I also added, "A strong woman will thank them for the bricks".... I am thankful for the rude girl and her hurtful comment, as it was the motivation I needed to get my "huge a**" active again. I just had to get mad enough to put my physical health back to priority level.

Fear based decisions - healthy or hinderance of growth?

It seems I've heard so much these days about making decisions (whether intentional or by omission of taking action) out of fear is a terrible thing to do and we must take control and make a decision and move on with life. Way easier said than done, I feel. It truly sounds so easy and when I think about that, I do feel a great sense of peace; however, as I analyze my situation and try to make a sound decision based on fact, things get muttled. Then I hear radio programs that discuss these issues in my life and they really weigh heavily in the opposite direction that my heart and mind both tell me to go. That just adds to the confusion because I truly don't want to make a bad decision - one that will set me back in life. I'm "too old" to be going backwards, but I also need to live a "healthier" life.  Yes, I realize I've not actually put into words the issue I'm struggling with. It's one of the hardest things for me to put words too, especially in writing.
   Our household situation has been and continues to be a very unhealthy situation. There is no harmony between my husband and I. When I think back, there really has never been. I was just too stupid/scared to take action years ago when I first wanted to. I tried so hard and tried to engage him in our relationship and had him turn his back on me (and the kids) from day one. I continued to try and just lived one day at a time until I became an empty shell. So much damage has been done - mentally and emotionally that sometimes I feel like such an unworthy person. It wasn't until I began to have success with my business that I started to feel some sort of validation. I began to feell like maybe I did have something to give and I wasn't a total POS. I'm not pouting about this or being over dramatic. It's just fact. That is how I spent the past 25 years. I allowed that by being fearful of what my life would be like if I left. I didn't have a job that paid wonderfully. It was a good professional job, but I didn't feel like it would support me that well... so I stayed, not knowing what else to do.
     Every time we have an argument, which typically involves him incinuating (sp) that I'm less intelligent, or less capable of handling things properly, I have an overwhelming desire to run. Just pack my bags and the kids' bags and leave and never turn back.
   It would be so much easier - just given the water that has passed under this bridge, if it wasn't for one thing (and maybe it's my new "scapegoat" that I cling to in order to justify taking no action)... he has brain cancer. He's been battling it now for 4.5 years. He's had it twice in that timeframe, with the second time being 2009 when it was upgraded to a Grade III. The guilt, the public speculation and judgment that I believe would follow, is what gives me pause. Not to mention the ugly truth... if I wait it out, then I will save us all the torment of the big D, the financial stress and the public humiliation. It's not very nice to think about, but it's the facts that we have to work with. Time is suppose to help all things work out, but sometimes being patient is more than I can bear. I try to just sit back and let God handle things in His own way and in His own time. I know and believe that He knows best. I just wish it didn't take another 25 years. I can't even bear this to continue for another year.
   I apologize for my complaining or whining. These are just my current thoughts that I needed to purge from my mind. I wish the answer was crystal clear. I wish that I didn't have fear of leaving. I dream about a harmonious home without being under a critical eye all the time. If you happen to have great input on this subject, I'm all ears. I always welcome other people's experiences in this subject, as well as their thoughts about my situation. I realize I never mentioned it yet, but we've been to so many counselors in our 25 years and they all have been very supportive of me and my position.That gives me hope and some validation, but I know the fear is driven by the fear of financial hardship. I'll stop for tonight. Time to get the kiddos in bed and put this day behind us all.  Good night

Livin' on the edge... but on the edge of what?

Working in the aviation industry is always like riding an endless rollercoaster - so many up's and down's and upside down's. If we've learned anything, it's to be flexible and go with the flow, or rather, ride it out. As we near another hairpin turn on this crazy ride... anxieties are high. We have one day until we hear what options my husband's "packet" will contain. Whether they will recommend a move to one of three other states; or whether he'll have a job where we are for the next year or possibly two years at most.  If a move is recommended, it will mean some interesting discussions and decisions. It will mean he moves and the rest of us stay put. In some families, that would never be a consideration, but in our family, it's the most sensible and logical decision - why?  Because not only do we have a special needs child, who needs consistency and stay in his routine, but if I haven't already mentioned it, my husband has brain cancer and we don't know how long he'll be with us. While that might be reason to spend every moment together, in our situation, it is reason for me to keep my business going, expand it and get it to the point that I can support myself and the kids whenever the time comes that we are on our own. I cannot see selling everything we have, including the business, so we can go to a place where we are alone and for who knows how long - a year or two or three. I guess we find ourselves where we have always found ourselves in this industry.... waiting, wondering, trying to prepare ourselves for any of the options that might be in that life changing packet.

Who said parenting is easy?

I try to teach my kids that their feelings are not right or wrong. They feel what they feel for a reason. Yet, I also know that they are children and don't have the maturity to properly handle their emotions when upset, hurt or angry. So when one of my children has a falling out with their dad, comes into the house crying and very upset... I usually just listen. I don't try to correct or give information, I just listen and allow the emotions to run through. I decide a bath is necessary to help calm her down and allow her time away from her dad so the situation would not escalage to an even higher level (which tends to happen, because he pushes matters until the whole family is distraught).

During that bath, she calmed down, but spoke very freely about her feelings toward her dad. This is not the first time she has expressed feelings of not wanting him around. She said she would rather have no dad than to have him as her dad. She continually asked me to "please break up with him!", "promise me you will break up with him!"  So many times she has made comments about wanting a different dad, about me having a different husband and us being happy.

It's painful to hear her make these comments becuase it gives me flashbacks to when I was in first grade, I had the same thoughts about my own father. He was abusive, both physically and emotionally/mentally. I would shutter when he would walk behind be (out of my sight) because if he was mad, you didn't know if you might be knocked up side the head. It was at that very moment when I had my first thought that I wished my parents would get a divorce so my mom and us kids could live together and finally be free of him and be happy.

That time never came for me, for us. The pain continued in a household that was overshadowed in fear and emotional abuse. One thing in knew in life, as I grew up was that I definitely did not want to/ would not married someone like my dad. Well, it's been obvious for years, that I in fact did. Ther's been no physical abuse, but plenty of emotional/mental abuse. I've wanted to leave this situation for many years, but always stayed out of fear. Fear of not being secure financially, fear of my children not being taken care of properly when they had visitation with their father (because he has never had their needs as a priority), and in the last 4 years, fear of public criticism for leaving a man who has brain cancer.

So...during that wonderfully calm and bath tonight, all of these thoughts raced through my mind, while listening to my daughter pour out her heartfelt desires for a happy family without her father. How do you respond to those comments?  I could only say, "I understand." I explained without going into details that, "It's not that easy". All she cared about was being able to stay at her school. At first, she wanted to remain in our current home, but then she realized another home might just be okay. It was so heartbreaking because I completely understood how she felt. I grew up feeling that same exact way. I always wanted more for my children. I never wanted them to grow up having that kind of a relationship with their father and I certainly never wanted them to grow up wanting to be apart from a parent.

My heart is heavy.  Heavy for my daughter. Not wanting my fear of leaving to create a further unhealthy upbringing for my children. All I've ever wanted is for my children to have a truly happy, healthy homelife. I don't know what to pray for, but I will be praying long and hard tonight. Lord, may your will be done!

Just when you think you're gonna be okay....

I'm stretching like a rubber band today, and feeling like a huge SNAP is in my future! I have my 3rd salon opened and we are in the midst of our Grand Opening, which is a bit stressful financially. Payroll runs at or over 100%, which means the other two salons need to do well enough to pay for the 3rd. While the loan for #3 is to help with that, I am somewhat trying not to use all of that since the more I use, the higher that loan payment will be once it rolls over into a traditional loan, rather than a construction loan. Regardless, the first quarter of a year is extremely stressful with taxes being front-loaded, and huge promotions which mean lower income and higher payroll. I felt we would eek through the first quarter then things will turn for the better like usual.  Then.....Friday I get an email from my corporate office stating I have first right of refusal for a location that is near my first and most productive salon. Someone else wants to put a salon in this particular location and since my salon will be impacted by it, I have 21 days to decide whether I will allow someone else to develop that location (taking a 10-20% hit in sales at my salon), or I have to develop the location myself and I have to actively work to develop the location by executing a lease and building out, etc. Not a problem, if I had a measely $130,000 laying around, which I don't!
      I feel it's much like asking someone if they would like you cut off their right hand or their left. Who can take a 10-20% decrease in sales? So basically, I really must develop the location; however, where the hell is the money going to come from?!
     This also gets stressful at home since the husband doesn't want to put one red cent (literally, not a penny) toward the business - regardless of the ROI. I did mention the email to him this morning because it's something that has to be decided in 21 days. Let's just say, his demeanor toward me instantly changed. He gave me his typically comment, "Well, we'll have to sit down and talk about it.", which means, "You will have a lot of questions to answer and you will have to tell me where the hell you're are going to get the money, cuz it isn't gonna be from our personal funds!"  I get his position - I truly do, it's just very difficult to discuss this with your spouse, who is suppose to be supportive and help you work through decisions and help problem solve, whichever direction the decision goes. At least it would be a mutual decision that we both feel good about. Why I believe that will ever happen, I have no idea, because it's never been how things have worked in our relationship.
   I was really feeling like I was in a good place, even with the stress of a new salon and the anxiety that it brings for a while. I knew it would come through. It's a strong location, a fabulous GM that I've had with me for 8 years and passion and drive for our business. I knew we could do it and we would see great numbers in just a few months. I wasn't ready for this new curveball to be thrown into my lap, especially when the options are what they are.  I will have to spend the next couple of weeks really getting into our business finances, which I am in touch with. It's just been so crazy busy lately with the new opening, that I feel a bit out of touch with things. I'll look for areas to reduce expenses and push the salons to maximize sales to balance the increase expenses with the new salon. Then...I'll have to find out the details on the new location, what rent, etc. will be and who owns it. I'll try to determine how long I can drag the process out and whether I can free up enough funds through the business to possibly finance a new salon. Aagh!
      If you happen to know where that money tree is, that would be great to know. LOL. Funny, how many times I've wondered where that tree is and things always seem to work out. I pray for a clear sign as to which direction I need to go with this situation. I just don't need the stress of this decision right now. I'll have to trust that the right decision will come to me and any necessary funds will make their way before me, so I know what to do. I pray that my current salons continue to stay strong financially and we don't have any negative impact from this decision.
     I have probably hashed and rehashed this whole thing during this post. I apologize for that. Sometimes thinking out loud or through words, helps me see through a situation. Maybe a good night's rest will help clear my thoughts about the situation.