Blood is thicker than water - darn it!

Today was a day that was definitely a "snap" day. After my daughter had her 2nd sleepover in 3 weeks, and VERY little sleep... my tired nerves were at their snapping point. It feels like it's been forever since I've had a break and while I have to admit that only a week ago, I enjoyed a night out with friends, it seems like months since I have felt relaxed, rejuvenated and life myself. What kept me going today was knowing that I had (hopefully) a quiet evening alone after the kids were in bed. I knew I wanted a glass of wine, a good movie and some peace and quiet.

On my mind the last couple of days has been my relationship with my husband. Mostly because a sister-in-law commented on a Facebook comment of mine about the success my salons just had during a peak week of Back to School. She relayed a question by my brother-in-law which was whether my husband would be attending the Annual Convention this fall. It seems like a very harmless question, but it stung me deep to the core. My husband has never attended a Convention with me for several reasons. First, he has nothing to do with the business. Second, I need him here to take care of the kids (not that he has a history of doing that), but in the last couple of years, in order to give my aging mother a break, he has been responsible for the kids from the time he gets home in the late afternoon until bedtime, which is usually 8:00 p.m. He has never really been a part of their lives, let alone responsible for their care, even in my absence; however, as our son (who is Autistic and has Cerebral Palsy) is growing and becoming much stronger) requires more physical care, it is time for him to step up and take care of the kids at least for a few hours a day.  A third reason he doesn't go to Convention is that having him there would entirely change the dynamic of our management team and the bonding we do while we are away on these trips. It would change my demeanor and sharing,which is somewhat key to the bonding of the management team. That in turn, trickles down into our salon teams.  Given all of this (yes, I realize it sounds a bit dramatic), it is best that he not attend these events with us. It just works for our family and the salon teams, as well as for me personally.  It is about the only time during the year that I feel I get a true break and can rejuvenate my spirit. So... why do I feel like I'm being "set up" with this question from my brother-in-law? I don't think it's a feeling of guilt, as I have nothing to feel guilty about. He's never gone in the past, so this year is no different. Or maybe it's a deeper feeling that it's just a simple question and I'm feeling conflicted about the fact that our relationship has fallen apart so much that it is hardly existing at all. I don't think my husband's family is aware of it, although it's quite possible that he has talked to them about it during phone conversations he's had with them.

It use to be that when conversations were had with his family, we would both get on the phone and talk with them. Over the last two years, I've not had one phone conversation with any of them. He now calls them from work, while in his car to and from work, or from home when I am not around to join in the conversation. I confronted him about this about a month ago and he said he didn't think I wanted to speak to them anymore. I made it clear that regardless of what happens between us, I have always and will always love his family. I've been around them for 26 years and I will always have wonderful memories of them and with them and that will never change. I think part of my fear of making a decision is that I do fear losing these wonderful people from my life. I know that a couple of them are very dear to me and our relationship will survive no matter what, but one fault my husband has always pointed out to me is that I care too much about what people think of me. That is very true when it comes to his family. I want them to know the truth of our relationship, but I also realize that he is blood and if they heard the truth, they would be hearing very ugly things about someone they love and things they would never want to believe. I feel in situations like that, it is really the messenger who loses out and I don't want to do that; however, I don't want them to believe the lies or half truths that he would be/will be filling them with.

Wow! This post ended up being a long winded one and I've not and will not go over it for typos because I just needed to get these thoughts and feelings out. I don't want to re-feel them as I would reread this, so I'm leaving it in all it's ugliness.  Now to put this exhausted body to bed, for hopefully an entire night of sleep with no kids waking me until morning. Sweet Dreams!

I have a high schooler!!!!!?????

Today ended on an interesting note. A good note really... I took our son to his High School Open House so he could have the experience of being in the school just 4 days before his school year begins. I also needed to take his supplies to his classroom ahead of time, since they are not the "norm" for a typical high school student. We have pull-up's, wipes, and special snacks, all of which are bulky and heavy. I would prefer that he arrive to school on his first day with a light load and not carrying pull-up's.

Anyway, as I wheeled him up to the school in his whelchair, I watched all the other families and high school students walking around the school. Seeing students who I assumed were also Freshmen, made me think back to my own high school years. I thought about everything that high school offers kids and what it will offer my son. How will his special needs alter those high school experiences? I couldn't help but feel sad for him.

I don't spend much, if any time, feeling sad about Austin's disabilities; however, I will admit that tonight I thought about a few "what if's".  "What if" Austin was a "normal" Freshman boy - what would he be like? He would have at the age where he would be participating in Driver's Education and wanting to spend as much time behind the wheel of a car as possible. Would he be running around with buddies and getting excited about whatever sports or activities he was active in? Would he have his eye on a special girl? How would all of this change the entire dynamics of our family?  All of these thoughts brought tears to my eyes for a brief moment. I know they are selfish thoughts and to feel a sense of loss is also selfish because I really do realize what a gift he is... just the way he is... because he is the way he is.

I have hopes for his High School years. I hope he improves physically, mentally and socially to where he can increase his interaction with peers. I hope he gets to have truly positive, safe and happy experiences with homecomings, proms, and other school events. I know these "what if" moments will come again from time to time and I also know they will quickly fade with positive thoughts of our current situation. I guess the one consistency that I hope & pray for is that my children, regardless of their individual circumstances, get to have those great and positive experiences in life.

I'm sure as the High School years continue, I'll find myself feeling sad more, as the time is drawing closer when I'll have to make a very serious decision about what to do with him once he graduates from High School. As quickly as the last 15 years have gone, the next 4-6 years will go equally fast and I'll find myself having to firmly make that decision, which scares the hell out of me. I pray more than anything, that I find those things that will allow him to progress more than he ever has, so he can become more independent and mainstreamed socially.  I pray for the financial ability to provide him with those things that will do just that, so that we do not stand in the way of him becoming all that he can become.

For now, with tear filled eyes, I need to end these thoughts so I can sleep and rest up for another full day tomorrow.

Liquid courage vs. sober fear

I had a friend ask me recently if an honest conversation was aided by "liquid courage" (it was not), but that phrase really stuck with me as I realized the absolute truth in it. I can reflect on my more courageous moments when I felt like I could/would/should make a tough decision. Those times were definitely boosted by liquid courage. That liquid courage along with the thought of making that decision gave me such a sense of relief and peace of mind....then I slept. Upon awaking, all the "fears" come back to mind about why I should just hold steady where I am and avoid making the tough decision. Time passes and I get frustrated with myself for not doing a damn thing.... What is the saying? "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting things to change", or something like that. It truly describes my life and I can't believe that I'm not stronger than I am displaying. I hide behind fear and have for so many years. More years than not actually, so that just makes it even more maddening.

I could ask 100 people about my situation and I believe the majority would support what I feel in my heart and mind, yet I know they would all say that it has to be my decision and I know that it truly does; which puts me back to the same exact position I am in today. I have prayed over this, not for a decision to be made for me, but guidance through the process, for the clarity to make an informed decision, not just an emotional one. I pray for God's Will to be done and yes, I suppose, I have asked for a clear sign. If I would take anyone's advice to heart, it would be HIS. HE has been my rock through all of these years HE is the one I turned to for strength and HE's gotten me this far. I just need to remember to turn to HIM completely for this next chapter.

A little wine & honest convo = relief

Tonight's dinner was one of our favorites, Thai lettuce wraps with wine. Kids ate quickly and ran back outside as we finished up. A bit uncomfortable, but with a movie on the TV, a little distraction provided just enough distraction to allow us to converse a little. Normally, I would never feel good about conversations that take place under the influence of alcohol, but it seems the only way we can actually have conversations with each other about touchy and emotional topics without losing control and erupting into anger and unproductive conversation.

With the kids outside, we felt it was a "safe" time to have conversations about his lack of effective parenting and making sure the kids have a healthy environment to grow up in, regardless of how we feel about each other. That our priority is the health and well-being of the kids.

Later, after he has gone outside and I have cleaned up the kitchen, I go outside to get the kids to come in and get ready for bed; I learn from our daughter that she had overheard portions of our conversation. She had somehow managed to come into the back hallway without our knowing and listened to our conversation about her requests to both of us to "break up" and how he needs to do a better job of connecting emotionally with our special needs son, who will be 15 in a month and a half. My heart fell into my stomach. How in the world could she have slipped inside without us knowing?! I was facing the back hallway and never saw the door open, or hear any sounds from the back hallway!

At this point, I can't back pedal and pretend like she heard something other than she truly heard. She's a smart and intuitive 8 year old. I have to respect her and yet try not to push her into handling adult situations. I ask what she heard and allow her to speak very freely without fear of my reaction. I need to find out what portions of the conversation she heard so I can put to rest any fears she may have about whatever she heard. She heard us talking about her requests for us to "break up". She heard about his need to connect emotionally and fully open his heart to his son, in order to recieve God's full grace that has been given to us through this amazing gift. The most important part for me to deal with is the portion about us breaking up.

As I gently inquire about her feeling about us splitting and about us talking about it, she reiterates that she wants us to break up because she wants to live away from her Dad. She said she would be happier without him than she is with him. That is a hard one for me to respond to. I don't feel I should jump in and tell her how she should not feel that way. Her feelings are true to her for a reason. Based on her history and our family dynamics. I cannot and will not tell her those things are wrong. They are what they are. I just need to try and help her work through those things so that she can come out the other side healthy, happy and well balanced. I believe I will have her go see the child psychologist that she has seen a couple of times before, but this time, we will focus on our family dynamics, her feeling about our splitting and her feelings toward her dad. Whether she likes or dislikes her father isn't as important to me, as whether those feelings are based on her on experiences, and that they don't overshadow her life. He created a painful and isolated family dynamic and while that can and does create much dysfunction for a person and a family as a whole, it can also create strength, resourcefulness and other amazing qualities that don't come from a life of luxury and ease.

The days and nights lately have been difficult as I've struggles with what to do and when. Conflicted by so many teachings in my life and trying to balance them with what my heart and mind seem to drive me toward. Trying to balance that with what is best for the kids and God's will. It's more stressful that I ever imagined. It's not something I have ever or will ever take lightly, but something I must process and work through for all of our health and peace of mind and soul. The weight of that is great and I ask the Lord for guidance and strength to make the right decision. The alternative to ending the marriage is no more peaceful, as it would be a pain of other sorts. Probably one easier to work through as far as the kids are concerned. One easier accepted by society and everyone  and one more accepted by God. The difficulty comes in timing. God's timing vs our own. Sometimes more unbearable than a person can truly take.

As the family filters in before bedtime, it's time to end this emptying of thoughts and emotions. I only wish an answer would come to me quickly. One that gives me great peace on all levels and leads us to peace of mind, harmony in our home and energy to move forward, rather than spinning our wheels.

God's grace to all of you and may your lives be filled with peace of mind and soul. May we cherish every single blessing that is bestowed on us and may we all be good stewards of God's grace.

Until next time, peace to you!

Elastimom

Turning Point...

The last couple of years, I've had my up's and down's with our household dynamics. It's been an increasingly stressful situation, but has escalated to the point of little to no communication and certainly absolutely no communication about our "household finances".  As a woman in her mid-life years, I find myself feeling no more secure than I did when I was 18 years old. I am reminded nearly every day how little (actually no) control I have over my finances. I deposit my entire paycheck into the household checking account and from that point on, I have no say in where it goes.

I don't mean to sound like I'm on a piti-pot. I'm just frustrated that over the course of many years, I have yet to reach that point where I feel secure financially and that I have a say in the finances that directly affect myself or the kids.

What I feel mostly at this very moment, is that things must change. I've allowed myself to be paralyzed from fear of making changes, fear of making difficult decisions, and fear of failure. I'm tired of being so fearful that I remain in a situation that is so unhealthy.

So...I must begin to gather information, in order to make educated/informed decisions and steps. I can't go through another day doing nothing and allowing myself to be run over and made to feel irrelevant. I need to plan for my future and my kids' future by budgeting and educating myself on my options while trying to plan for the unknowns.

Elastimom

Thanks for the shoulder/ear. One day, I won't have to pour out the "sad song" type of message - I look forward to that day oh so much!

Calgon take me away... I mean it... please take me away!

Today has been a low day for me... well, actually, this has been a low week. While looking at a bank statement that came in the mail, I noticed that extra money is being taken out of my husband's check and put into a savings account. I also noticed that the account that use to receive these funds is no longer receiving it, but rather, all the money is now going into a new account at a different bank. Funny thing is... there has been no conversation about this change. That's probably the thing that bothers me most. Over the last year or so, many changes have been made to "save us money"; however these changes have not been communicated to me. Well, some have but others have not. The first change he made was to discontinue our household security system - I was not and am still not a fan of this change. It was costing us $30/month. I voiced my lack of support for this change, but it didn't matter. The service was discontinued.

Today, I received a call from our accountant tell me that while my husband was at their office this afternoon, they forgot to send a document with him. I wasn't aware that he was having a meeting with them today. I knew that he stopped by a few days ago and picked up our taxes, but I didn't know about a separate or follow-up meeting. This put the accountant, as well as me, in awkward positions. It looked weird that I didn't know about the meeting and the accountant felt like he stepped into the middle of "something" between my husband and I, which is apparently the case.

All of this has me really wondering a lot of "what if's". I'm feeling like I did about 25 year ago when I was young and wasn't making a lot of money. He seemed to have all the money coming in that he needed and could do pretty much anything he wanted. I felt like I didn't have the money to do what I needed, let alone what I wanted. You would think after 25 years, I would be in a better position financially, to where I felt like I could support myself should the need arise, but I realized today, that I am not in the position. Or if I am, I don't see how. I still feel like I have to ask for money to spend, or get permission if I want to buy something for the house or myself.

Yes, I have a business that is very successful, but my challenge has been to increase the profits of that successful business by reducing expenses and getting the salons to run efficiently. Even then, the taxes on any profits seem to absorb the profits. I don't feel like I have the money in the business to not stress out all month, every single month.  That is certainly my goal and my focus.

So, I guess the question to myself is how can I increase the money I have coming in and put it away so I feel like I have money of my own - for my own protection? I'm at an age where I shouldn't have to feel like I'm living with my dad, asking for every penny I am allowed to spend. I feel like I have absolutely no control or say in where our money is, where it comes from, what is done with it, how it is spent, what goes into savings, and what should go to finishing our home and yard.

So many questions, so few... or no answers. Guess it'll be a night spent in prayer. Beside my husband, God is the only one in control of this train.

Calm, cool and collected...weird!

I'm feeling pretty good about getting ready for my daughter's  First Communion this coming weekend. Just got her presents today, beautiful rhinestone cross earrings for her to wear that day, a blue (her favorite color) glass rosary that is just gorgeous and ....an acoustic guitar. LOL. Yes, I realize that fits nowhere in this situation, but it's something she absolutely wants and I'm completely supportive of her learning to play any sort of music. Hopefully it'll be a lifelong gift  - learning to play guitar.

Anyway, gifts are bought. Now I just have a few things to do around the house and plan the menu. Company begins to arrive on Thursday.  Can't wait to see my little girl in her white dress, receiving her first Communion. Hard to believe she's old enough, but here we are. I love it!

Maybe my stress will rise closer to the weekend, but today, I'm calm about it all.  The stretch or snap doesn't seem to be part of my day, which is a bit odd. Pleasant, but odd. I'll ride this wave until the tide changes. Finally have my bed to myself tonight, after company has all left, so I'm calling it a day.

Why does it take me getting mad, for me to get off my a**?

I was out with friends this weekend and accidently bumped into a girl who was seated behind where I was standing. It was a small bump - I didn't realize she was there. I immediately turned to her and apologized for bumping into her. Before I could get my apology out and before she turned around to see me, she said, "OMG you have a huge a**!". My jaw immediately dropped.. stunned at her rudeness! I apologized again and then she said, "Oh, your actually okay." - Trying to take back her initial statement with a couple of retraction comments. From my point of view - the damage had been done. Still can't get that comment out of my head. Maybe it wouldn't have hit me so hard if I hadn't already been regretting and feeling the stress of not having worked out consistently in about a year. I have always loved working out and being fit, but life has happened and with the pressure of all the time obligations I've had, the exercise was cut out of my schedule. Anyway, I had been wanting to get back on the treadmill to get myself active again and tone up the bod, but the motivation was difficult to find. Well....I guess I got that through a very painful comment, whether she meant it or not. After the kiddos got on their buses and I finished payroll and a couple other priority projects, I jumped on the treadmill and started running. It felt great! So now I have my motivation and I got started! I hope to never hear those words again in my life!  So... in the spirit of a post I put on my facebook page... A successful woman is one who can build a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at her.  I also added, "A strong woman will thank them for the bricks".... I am thankful for the rude girl and her hurtful comment, as it was the motivation I needed to get my "huge a**" active again. I just had to get mad enough to put my physical health back to priority level.

Fear based decisions - healthy or hinderance of growth?

It seems I've heard so much these days about making decisions (whether intentional or by omission of taking action) out of fear is a terrible thing to do and we must take control and make a decision and move on with life. Way easier said than done, I feel. It truly sounds so easy and when I think about that, I do feel a great sense of peace; however, as I analyze my situation and try to make a sound decision based on fact, things get muttled. Then I hear radio programs that discuss these issues in my life and they really weigh heavily in the opposite direction that my heart and mind both tell me to go. That just adds to the confusion because I truly don't want to make a bad decision - one that will set me back in life. I'm "too old" to be going backwards, but I also need to live a "healthier" life.  Yes, I realize I've not actually put into words the issue I'm struggling with. It's one of the hardest things for me to put words too, especially in writing.
   Our household situation has been and continues to be a very unhealthy situation. There is no harmony between my husband and I. When I think back, there really has never been. I was just too stupid/scared to take action years ago when I first wanted to. I tried so hard and tried to engage him in our relationship and had him turn his back on me (and the kids) from day one. I continued to try and just lived one day at a time until I became an empty shell. So much damage has been done - mentally and emotionally that sometimes I feel like such an unworthy person. It wasn't until I began to have success with my business that I started to feel some sort of validation. I began to feell like maybe I did have something to give and I wasn't a total POS. I'm not pouting about this or being over dramatic. It's just fact. That is how I spent the past 25 years. I allowed that by being fearful of what my life would be like if I left. I didn't have a job that paid wonderfully. It was a good professional job, but I didn't feel like it would support me that well... so I stayed, not knowing what else to do.
     Every time we have an argument, which typically involves him incinuating (sp) that I'm less intelligent, or less capable of handling things properly, I have an overwhelming desire to run. Just pack my bags and the kids' bags and leave and never turn back.
   It would be so much easier - just given the water that has passed under this bridge, if it wasn't for one thing (and maybe it's my new "scapegoat" that I cling to in order to justify taking no action)... he has brain cancer. He's been battling it now for 4.5 years. He's had it twice in that timeframe, with the second time being 2009 when it was upgraded to a Grade III. The guilt, the public speculation and judgment that I believe would follow, is what gives me pause. Not to mention the ugly truth... if I wait it out, then I will save us all the torment of the big D, the financial stress and the public humiliation. It's not very nice to think about, but it's the facts that we have to work with. Time is suppose to help all things work out, but sometimes being patient is more than I can bear. I try to just sit back and let God handle things in His own way and in His own time. I know and believe that He knows best. I just wish it didn't take another 25 years. I can't even bear this to continue for another year.
   I apologize for my complaining or whining. These are just my current thoughts that I needed to purge from my mind. I wish the answer was crystal clear. I wish that I didn't have fear of leaving. I dream about a harmonious home without being under a critical eye all the time. If you happen to have great input on this subject, I'm all ears. I always welcome other people's experiences in this subject, as well as their thoughts about my situation. I realize I never mentioned it yet, but we've been to so many counselors in our 25 years and they all have been very supportive of me and my position.That gives me hope and some validation, but I know the fear is driven by the fear of financial hardship. I'll stop for tonight. Time to get the kiddos in bed and put this day behind us all.  Good night

Livin' on the edge... but on the edge of what?

Working in the aviation industry is always like riding an endless rollercoaster - so many up's and down's and upside down's. If we've learned anything, it's to be flexible and go with the flow, or rather, ride it out. As we near another hairpin turn on this crazy ride... anxieties are high. We have one day until we hear what options my husband's "packet" will contain. Whether they will recommend a move to one of three other states; or whether he'll have a job where we are for the next year or possibly two years at most.  If a move is recommended, it will mean some interesting discussions and decisions. It will mean he moves and the rest of us stay put. In some families, that would never be a consideration, but in our family, it's the most sensible and logical decision - why?  Because not only do we have a special needs child, who needs consistency and stay in his routine, but if I haven't already mentioned it, my husband has brain cancer and we don't know how long he'll be with us. While that might be reason to spend every moment together, in our situation, it is reason for me to keep my business going, expand it and get it to the point that I can support myself and the kids whenever the time comes that we are on our own. I cannot see selling everything we have, including the business, so we can go to a place where we are alone and for who knows how long - a year or two or three. I guess we find ourselves where we have always found ourselves in this industry.... waiting, wondering, trying to prepare ourselves for any of the options that might be in that life changing packet.

Who said parenting is easy?

I try to teach my kids that their feelings are not right or wrong. They feel what they feel for a reason. Yet, I also know that they are children and don't have the maturity to properly handle their emotions when upset, hurt or angry. So when one of my children has a falling out with their dad, comes into the house crying and very upset... I usually just listen. I don't try to correct or give information, I just listen and allow the emotions to run through. I decide a bath is necessary to help calm her down and allow her time away from her dad so the situation would not escalage to an even higher level (which tends to happen, because he pushes matters until the whole family is distraught).

During that bath, she calmed down, but spoke very freely about her feelings toward her dad. This is not the first time she has expressed feelings of not wanting him around. She said she would rather have no dad than to have him as her dad. She continually asked me to "please break up with him!", "promise me you will break up with him!"  So many times she has made comments about wanting a different dad, about me having a different husband and us being happy.

It's painful to hear her make these comments becuase it gives me flashbacks to when I was in first grade, I had the same thoughts about my own father. He was abusive, both physically and emotionally/mentally. I would shutter when he would walk behind be (out of my sight) because if he was mad, you didn't know if you might be knocked up side the head. It was at that very moment when I had my first thought that I wished my parents would get a divorce so my mom and us kids could live together and finally be free of him and be happy.

That time never came for me, for us. The pain continued in a household that was overshadowed in fear and emotional abuse. One thing in knew in life, as I grew up was that I definitely did not want to/ would not married someone like my dad. Well, it's been obvious for years, that I in fact did. Ther's been no physical abuse, but plenty of emotional/mental abuse. I've wanted to leave this situation for many years, but always stayed out of fear. Fear of not being secure financially, fear of my children not being taken care of properly when they had visitation with their father (because he has never had their needs as a priority), and in the last 4 years, fear of public criticism for leaving a man who has brain cancer.

So...during that wonderfully calm and bath tonight, all of these thoughts raced through my mind, while listening to my daughter pour out her heartfelt desires for a happy family without her father. How do you respond to those comments?  I could only say, "I understand." I explained without going into details that, "It's not that easy". All she cared about was being able to stay at her school. At first, she wanted to remain in our current home, but then she realized another home might just be okay. It was so heartbreaking because I completely understood how she felt. I grew up feeling that same exact way. I always wanted more for my children. I never wanted them to grow up having that kind of a relationship with their father and I certainly never wanted them to grow up wanting to be apart from a parent.

My heart is heavy.  Heavy for my daughter. Not wanting my fear of leaving to create a further unhealthy upbringing for my children. All I've ever wanted is for my children to have a truly happy, healthy homelife. I don't know what to pray for, but I will be praying long and hard tonight. Lord, may your will be done!

Just when you think you're gonna be okay....

I'm stretching like a rubber band today, and feeling like a huge SNAP is in my future! I have my 3rd salon opened and we are in the midst of our Grand Opening, which is a bit stressful financially. Payroll runs at or over 100%, which means the other two salons need to do well enough to pay for the 3rd. While the loan for #3 is to help with that, I am somewhat trying not to use all of that since the more I use, the higher that loan payment will be once it rolls over into a traditional loan, rather than a construction loan. Regardless, the first quarter of a year is extremely stressful with taxes being front-loaded, and huge promotions which mean lower income and higher payroll. I felt we would eek through the first quarter then things will turn for the better like usual.  Then.....Friday I get an email from my corporate office stating I have first right of refusal for a location that is near my first and most productive salon. Someone else wants to put a salon in this particular location and since my salon will be impacted by it, I have 21 days to decide whether I will allow someone else to develop that location (taking a 10-20% hit in sales at my salon), or I have to develop the location myself and I have to actively work to develop the location by executing a lease and building out, etc. Not a problem, if I had a measely $130,000 laying around, which I don't!
      I feel it's much like asking someone if they would like you cut off their right hand or their left. Who can take a 10-20% decrease in sales? So basically, I really must develop the location; however, where the hell is the money going to come from?!
     This also gets stressful at home since the husband doesn't want to put one red cent (literally, not a penny) toward the business - regardless of the ROI. I did mention the email to him this morning because it's something that has to be decided in 21 days. Let's just say, his demeanor toward me instantly changed. He gave me his typically comment, "Well, we'll have to sit down and talk about it.", which means, "You will have a lot of questions to answer and you will have to tell me where the hell you're are going to get the money, cuz it isn't gonna be from our personal funds!"  I get his position - I truly do, it's just very difficult to discuss this with your spouse, who is suppose to be supportive and help you work through decisions and help problem solve, whichever direction the decision goes. At least it would be a mutual decision that we both feel good about. Why I believe that will ever happen, I have no idea, because it's never been how things have worked in our relationship.
   I was really feeling like I was in a good place, even with the stress of a new salon and the anxiety that it brings for a while. I knew it would come through. It's a strong location, a fabulous GM that I've had with me for 8 years and passion and drive for our business. I knew we could do it and we would see great numbers in just a few months. I wasn't ready for this new curveball to be thrown into my lap, especially when the options are what they are.  I will have to spend the next couple of weeks really getting into our business finances, which I am in touch with. It's just been so crazy busy lately with the new opening, that I feel a bit out of touch with things. I'll look for areas to reduce expenses and push the salons to maximize sales to balance the increase expenses with the new salon. Then...I'll have to find out the details on the new location, what rent, etc. will be and who owns it. I'll try to determine how long I can drag the process out and whether I can free up enough funds through the business to possibly finance a new salon. Aagh!
      If you happen to know where that money tree is, that would be great to know. LOL. Funny, how many times I've wondered where that tree is and things always seem to work out. I pray for a clear sign as to which direction I need to go with this situation. I just don't need the stress of this decision right now. I'll have to trust that the right decision will come to me and any necessary funds will make their way before me, so I know what to do. I pray that my current salons continue to stay strong financially and we don't have any negative impact from this decision.
     I have probably hashed and rehashed this whole thing during this post. I apologize for that. Sometimes thinking out loud or through words, helps me see through a situation. Maybe a good night's rest will help clear my thoughts about the situation.

What if...?

How often do you find yourself asking "what if...?" Do you love the job you have?  Would you go back to doing whatever it is you use to do? I love my job and can't imagine doing anything else, but I would be lieing if I said I don't ask myself, "What if..?". "What if I didn't have this business? What would fill my days and what would I be doing with all the time I spent working this business?" When I feel stretched to the max, or stressed to the max, I think about what it would be like to not have to worry about business finances and tackling that long list of "to-do's. Then I think about how blessed I am because of this business, I can run errands whenever I need/want to, I can meet the kids/family obligations that come up easier, I have met so many wonderful people who have become dear friends. I have learned so much about the haircare industry as well as just owning and running a business and planning for new records and growth and profitability; not to mention team building and staff development. The benefits definitely outweigh the downside. I just need to get better at the financial side of running the business. That's my goal for 2012.

So, what if we stopped saying "what if...". Woudn't it feel amazing to be happy about your current life and stop putting off living 100% in the day with a bright and positive outlook on life?"

Four years ago, I actually felt that contentment and a sense of total peace in my life. I can say that I don't recall feeling that same sense of absolute peace in my entire life! I somehow lost "that loving feeling" and now work to find that peaceful feeling/mindset. Ridding myself of things that stand in my way of content brings a sense of increased freedom and relief and also a bit of loneliness and loss. Weird, I agree,  but those are the feelings that have passed through these veins over the last 4 years.

My tired eyes/brain are now demanding me to end my day. I love the evenings, when the family is all in bed and I have my quiet, alone time. Unfortunately, this is the typical  process... I have my quiet time and then fatigue takes over and I doze off in the middle of everything.

Let me know your thoughts about regaining the peace of mind, contentment in your life. Sweet dreams!

Up and running and ......expensive!

Well, there is a hgue sense of relief finally getting my new salon up and running. The energy in the salon and the hope for what it will become is exciting and energizing. The flip side is the cost of a new salon during a deep discount Grand Opening and all the costs of getting it up and running. Whew! Stressful! I am truly tired of spending money. Now comes the time that I get overwhelmed with the daily finances - hoping income is more then the expenses while knowing how high expenses are during a Grand Opening timeframe. It's all part of the process, but I had hoped that by salon #3, this time wouldn't be as stressful and overwhelming. I know this salon will be successful though. I've felt it deep in my stomach from the moment I started the process for this location. My GM has felt the same way, so we know it will be profitable earlier than the first two salons. That is what gives me hope and confidence and gets me through each day...until I sit down and work with the finances. Haha

Well, as much as I want to continue this convo. I've been called away. Guess I'll have to do this late at night when I'm alone and distractions are all in bed. Until then... Remember to stretch!

Finding balance - stressful or stress reliever?

Tonight, I was home by 5:00 p.m. even though on the way home, I made a list of 12 loose ends that need to be resolved within 4 days (new business opens in 4 days). Seeing them in writing and seeing what that list of loose ends consisted of, made them less overwhelming. I've been able to handle a couple of minor items since being home, but the rest of this evening (well, okay.... at least until the kids go to bed, will be spent with them - 100% engaged.)

A late night last night has us all tired and irritable. The hubby and kids met me at the new salon to do some electrical work. The kids are use to being in bed at 8:00 and it was 11:00 p.m.!! Super late night and tonight, they are both so ready for bed - early! Unfortunately, he is provoking them and causing tears and unnecessary yelling, screaming and stress. Ugh!This is theh hard part.... trying to support the kids without alienating him.

It has felt good hanging out for the evening...putzing around getting everyone ready for the day tomorrow. A fire in the fireplace makes a cozy atmosphere on a cold wet evening. Personalities have finally simmered down as we near bedtime. Peace and rejuvenating rest only a few minutes away for the kids. I hope to be able to find work to do on the computer, while enjoying the fire and coziness of hanging out. That's where I find my peace in the day. It's cozy, quiet, and focused or chilling out.

Sorry my thoughts today are all over the place. That's where my mind is. Hopefully, soon my list of loose ends will be resolved and tied up, so my mind can be more focused and quiet.

It's Crunch Time!

It's been so long since I've had a moment to just sit and chat about life. Not that it's been bad, just at crunch time for new salon open. I'm at 6 days before opening. This upcoming week is definitely crunch time. Last minute tasks to get the salon inspection ready for the SBA, the Board of Cosmetology and my Corporate Office inspection. If I had 8 hours a day to spend doing all of this work related stuff, it would be no problem, However, trying to balance all of those tasks with kids' schedules and family life, that's where it gets tricky!

As I type this, one child wants me to play marbles and one is screaming at his father...just to voice his opposition to whatever. We are getting ready to go to some friends' house for the SuperBowl party, yet I have payroll that I need to finish today, business bills to pay, as well as assemble and install a new printer in my home office and try to clear a desk that is buried in weeks' worth of work. These are the times that I feel stretched to the max. It's the time to keep "Stretch or Snap" in mind.

Well, for now, it's time to run and try to keep myself "in the moment" of fellowship with family and friends. It will be a much needed good time. When I get home and put the kids to bed, then it'll be time for me to tackle those work tasks... Until next time, remember to stretch...........

Don't forget to sing!

As I am preparing to go out of town for 4 days on business, I am trying to tie up loose ends and "work ahead" so nothing is missed while I'm gone. It's my typical MO. Some may call it nesting, but frankly...that fury, stress, frustration, irritation, etc that I feel seems more aggressive than "nesting". Doesn't that word make it sound so calm, organized, and almost loving?  I suppose I wish it felt like that to me, but it doesn't.  I have a vision that one day my life will feel like that, but for now, it is the exact opposite, which is not what I want and it's not good for me. That leaves me frustrated...

My business will be opening in 4 weeks, and there is so much to do with that, so we can open on time with everything and everybody in place and organized. It's the beginning of a new year, so there is all of the year end taxes and corporate documents that have to be prepared. That's stressful for me since I have no accounting background and I'm deathly afraid of making a mistake or forgetting something. All of that on top of my normal daily work makes me wish I had 2-3 assistants. I am quite sure I could keep all of them busy. Just need a windfall to pay the wages of all that help. ha!

I was struggling this evening with being so overwhelmed with my to-do list. I was driving home from my daughter's basketball practice when a couple of great songs came on. I found myself singing to them and immediately started feeling better. I thought to myself, "Don't forget to sing - even during the stressful days". I realized that my day might not have affected me so much, if I had simply turned on some music and sang while I worked. Maybe I'll add that to my MO.

I am ending this day with a bit of fun news though... I signed up via FB to win a cookbook based on the Paleo diet, which is apparently the name of the eating program my son and I are on. No gluten, no dairy, no sugar and for us, no corn. I really didn't expect to win, just gave it a shot! I am excited to make some delicious meals that will be good for our bodies! What a wonderful bright spot to a hectic day!

Half handled projects= too many loose ends!

As my first day along after the holidays nears its last several hours, I am feeling like I've not made one dent in my to-do list. Projects are half completed which doesn't give any sense of satisfaction. The Christmas tree now has the ornaments off of it, but the project is put on hold since it's time to get dinner for the kids before they head off to evening activities. All the remaining Christmas decorations are still up reminding me of all the work I have ahead of me.   I worked through my business tasks today, but as the day went, I added more to my list of projects that what I crossed off. Taxes, W-2's, new salon orders, preparation for meetings, etc. the list goes on... truly, it's like it's never ending. haha! I only hope my energy holds out this evening, so that after the kids are in bed, I can continue working.  Maybe the next time I sit to write my thoughts, I'll be feeling a little less overwhelmed and have more things crossed off of my list.